The big move.

I know this must have come across as a pretty big surprise to most of you, because I kept it under wraps for so long, but I moved from my big and bustling city of Kuala Lumpur to the smaller but infinitely wilder Gold Coast.

I boarded that plane alone, my friends waving madly at me, all of us tearing up at the prospect of not being able to see each other for months on end. I was terrified, excited, completely confused by the decision I had made to move to another country (hell, another damn continent!).

But fortunately, it's been good so far.

Maybe one of these days I'll write a post on what it's like moving from one country to another for studies and what it's like as well as what one should expect.

In the meantime, if anyone has been concerned by my lack of updates, just know that I'm well and happy.

To: you, though you may not know it.

I have a series of letters that I write now and then in an online journal, sealed with a password. Having a slight flair for drama, I've named this series: Letters to My Soulmate.

In complete defiance of my non-belief in soulmates and suchlike, it's almost ridiculous that that is what I have named a collection of, at current count, 64 letters - spanning from hundreds of words, sometimes thousands, and right down to a few sentences.

What do these letters contain?

Nothing, and yet also everything. Minute descriptions of my day, my emotional health, vague inclusions of the important things that I have been discovering about myself... I've been making a semi-forced attempt at baring my soul and there is more than a little intimacy that has resulted in some tear tracked posts searing across the screen that I type on.

But why?

I have no idea. Something in me is a hopeless romantic through and through, and as much as I hate that, it's a part of me that I can't suppress.

I'm really hoping that one day I meet someone who I can deem worthy of handing the password to the online journal to, but that's some years away considering that right now I have to focus on my studies.

Wishful thinking, though.

Trans girls and PMS.

I was talking to a trans girl friend and she was mentioning her period (yes, trans girls get periods - minus the bleeding) and we realised that there wasn't enough information on trans girl periods and their symptoms, as well as how PMS affects them.

This led to us realising that we should probably track her symptoms everyday over one period cycle and get a bunch of trans girls together who are willing to talk about the hormones that they are on, and will allow me to track how they feel over a menstrual cycle. Hopefully, this will lead to an article that I can write that will raise awareness on menstruation for trans ladies.

So if anyone knows a trans girl who is willing to talk to me (no intrusive questions, confidentiality guaranteed, and I promise to be respectful), do send them my way!

Another thing: I've just recently signed up to be a curator for @twt_LGBT, so hopefully I get to curate for them! I've already planned out some of the issues I'd like to discuss - trans issues (which I got a trans girl friend to help me with so I can approach the topic as respectfully as possible), the difference between bisexuality and pansexuality as well as bi-erasure, and intersectionality within the LGBT community.

Scorpionic - non sober post #1.

I get intense, I'm high-key possessive (not in a "I don't want you with other girls" way but in a "I want every part of you to be mine" way - arguably scarier), I'm all-or-nothing and jumping into love with blazing passion.

I'm not looking for casual flings or hook-ups or "lets see where this goes". I had a talk with a friend (the same friend mentioned in the previous post) and we agreed that we're very tired of the forced nonchalance in dating culture and we're sick of casual dating and we'd like the next relationship to be the last, but...

Dating is a numbers game. Logically, relationships are built on shared experiences, facing obstacles down together, and all that jazz. The key here being that relationships are built, not made. I am aware that, rationally, one cannot jump into a serious relationship immediately. Relationships are created from emotional sediment that comes in with the tide, and remain when the crashing waves cease.

However, I am emotionally incompetent, and my freakish intensity causes me to get serious way before it's time. Scorpio description: "looking for someone to bond with, on a soul level, in the area of love and relationships" and I suppose that's very much me. I want the chemistry (sizzling, unbearable, heated) and I want the emotional connection (intuitive, deep, jolting). I don't find that with everyone, so the rare few I can actually see myself bonding with, I pursue at a sprint.

As much as I crave intimacy and closeness, the desire wars against a very strong fear: that of abandonment or the potential to be deeply hurt (after all, intimacy comes with emotional vulnerability).

Of course, they say to check your Venus signs in love, and my Venus just so happens to fall in Capricorn. Committed, practical Capricorn who views a solid relationship as one built on investments and thoughts of the future. When I throw the rest of my astrological signs into the mix (Leo moon - passionate and dramatic, grand; Scorpio sun - intensity that can be scorching), I just end up becoming a huge trembling mass/mess of emotions.

Talked to my ex, Bear, and he mentioned that yeah, my intensity was overwhelming. But he realised it was a personality trait that he couldn't and wouldn't have changed about me, whereas what he could change was his reaction to aforementioned intensity. Which is a fantastic way of looking at it! Shoutout to Bear for being great enough to do that and for teaching me that.

In the end, what I did learn was this: your emotions are not "too" anything. They are not "too much", they are not "too intense" (hahaha, I know, time to follow my own advice). What matters is finding someone who is able to adapt to your emotional style (is that even a relevant phrase because if not, I'm making it one) and how you love. Bottom line... Love is love, regardless of its trappings, and if it's a healthy and consensual relationship, you deserve a partner who is able to take you, in all of your you-ness, in stride.

Choose a partner that chooses you, everytime and everyday. Not just on your best days, but on your worst too. Because it's better than the alternative, which is... not you.

Casual dating.

Much like casual sex, overthinking, and BDSM, casual dating isn't for everyone.

It isn't for me.

And that's okay. I had a talk with my ex, Bear (yeah, you'll see references to him sprinkled here and there on the blog, especially on my old posts), and he told me to stop looking for love and to let it happen. He told me to stop thinking for once and reminded me that love cannot be forced. Let go. Breathe.

His words got me thinking and I delved into a period of introspection. More than love, I think what I search for is commitment. I view loyalty and effort as more romantic than passion or emotion. After all, when the passion fades away, as it inevitably does, what is left behind?

As I was on Tumblr, I stumbled across a post from acutelesbian.tumblr.com that perfectly resonated with me and how I personally feel about love. It was articulate, well-written, and, as a pragmatic person, I could identify with it.

The post is here if you want to read it from its source, otherwise I'll be quoting their post below:

A lot of people ask me what my biggest fear is, or what scares me most. And I know they expect an answer like heights, or closed spaces, or people dressed like animals, but how do I tell them that when I was 17 I took a class called Relationships For Life and I learned that most people fall out of love for the same reasons they fell in it. That their lover’s once endearing stubbornness has now become refusal to compromise and their one track mind is now immaturity and their bad habits that you once adored is now money down the drain. Their spontaneity becomes reckless and irresponsible and their feet up on your dash is no longer sexy, just another distraction in your busy life. 
Nothing saddens and scares me like the thought that I can become ugly to someone who once thought all the stars were in my eyes.

The follow up is beautifully written.

I never expected this to be my most popular poem out of the hundreds I’ve written. I was extremely bitter and sad when I wrote this and I left out the most beautiful part of that class.

After my teacher introduced us to this theory, she asked us, “is love a feeling? Or is it a choice?” We were all a bunch of teenagers. Naturally we said it was a feeling. She said that if we clung to that belief, we’d never have a lasting relationship of any sort.

She made us interview a dozen adults who were or had been married and we asked them about their marriages and why it lasted or why it failed. At the end, I asked every single person if love was an emotion or a choice.

Everybody said that it was a choice. It was a conscious commitment. It was something you choose to make work every day with a person who has chosen the same thing. They all said that at one point in their marriage, the “feeling of love” had vanished or faded and they weren’t happy. They said feelings are always changing and you cannot build something that will last on such a shaky foundation.

The married ones said that when things were bad, they chose to open the communication, chose to identify what broke and how to fix it, and chose to recreate something worth falling in love with.

The divorced ones said they chose to walk away.

Ever since that class, since that project, I never looked at relationships the same way. I understood why arranged marriages were successful. I discovered the difference in feelings and commitments. I’ve never gone for the person who makes my heart flutter or my head spin. I’ve chosen the people who were committed to choosing me, dedicated to finding something to adore even on the ugliest days.

I no longer fear the day someone who swore I was their universe can no longer see the stars in my eyes as long as they still choose to look until they find them again.

I had a conversation with a friend and he said he believed that anybody could fall in love with anyone. I'm a little bit more discriminating, but I see the logic in that.

I suppose that I don't need chemistry, or mindblowing sex (bit of a stretch, this), or physical attractiveness in a partner. Those are all bonuses. Chemistry changes, sex becomes stale and boring, beauty withers (from a white supremacist, age-ist standpoint - I swear my partner will always be beautiful to me).

I just want someone who chooses me, and makes that effort to keep me, over anything or anyone else they can have. In return, of course I'd do the same.