I get intense, I'm high-key possessive (not in a "I don't want you with other girls" way but in a "I want every part of you to be mine" way - arguably scarier), I'm all-or-nothing and jumping into love with blazing passion.
I'm not looking for casual flings or hook-ups or "lets see where this goes". I had a talk with a friend (the same friend mentioned in the previous post) and we agreed that we're very tired of the forced nonchalance in dating culture and we're sick of casual dating and we'd like the next relationship to be the last, but...
Dating is a numbers game. Logically, relationships are built on shared experiences, facing obstacles down together, and all that jazz. The key here being that relationships are built, not made. I am aware that, rationally, one cannot jump into a serious relationship immediately. Relationships are created from emotional sediment that comes in with the tide, and remain when the crashing waves cease.
However, I am emotionally incompetent, and my freakish intensity causes me to get serious way before it's time. Scorpio description: "looking for someone to bond with, on a soul level, in the area of love and relationships" and I suppose that's very much me. I want the chemistry (sizzling, unbearable, heated) and I want the emotional connection (intuitive, deep, jolting). I don't find that with everyone, so the rare few I can actually see myself bonding with, I pursue at a sprint.
As much as I crave intimacy and closeness, the desire wars against a very strong fear: that of abandonment or the potential to be deeply hurt (after all, intimacy comes with emotional vulnerability).
Of course, they say to check your Venus signs in love, and my Venus just so happens to fall in Capricorn. Committed, practical Capricorn who views a solid relationship as one built on investments and thoughts of the future. When I throw the rest of my astrological signs into the mix (Leo moon - passionate and dramatic, grand; Scorpio sun - intensity that can be scorching), I just end up becoming a huge trembling mass/mess of emotions.
Talked to my ex, Bear, and he mentioned that yeah, my intensity was overwhelming. But he realised it was a personality trait that he couldn't and wouldn't have changed about me, whereas what he could change was his reaction to aforementioned intensity. Which is a fantastic way of looking at it! Shoutout to Bear for being great enough to do that and for teaching me that.
In the end, what I did learn was this: your emotions are not "too" anything. They are not "too much", they are not "too intense" (hahaha, I know, time to follow my own advice). What matters is finding someone who is able to adapt to your emotional style (is that even a relevant phrase because if not, I'm making it one) and how you love. Bottom line... Love is love, regardless of its trappings, and if it's a healthy and consensual relationship, you deserve a partner who is able to take you, in all of your you-ness, in stride.
Choose a partner that chooses you, everytime and everyday. Not just on your best days, but on your worst too. Because it's better than the alternative, which is... not you.
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