Is feminism losing to gender policing and the patriarchy?

I was 15 when my first serious-ish (it counts okay because it was a relationship that spanned three years- and I totally don't need to explain myself to you, really) boyfriend turned to me with an eyebrow raised and he asked with genuine bewilderment, "You aren't one of those ridiculous feminists, are you?"

That's when I knew that okay, this isn't a person I could fall in love with. Ever.

Romance aside, I now see that the poor boy was a product of his upbringing. Tall and rugged with broad shoulders and a natural athlete, he was intelligent and on the school football team. He was practically made to perpetuate misogynistic ideals.

In him, I discovered a treasure trove of "what a man should be like", ideas that he strived actively to live up to that spilled into our relationship. Never mind that I have always been naturally headstrong and outspoken about my opinions. Never mind that I'm frank and unafraid of adversity. These were all characteristics that he had associated (quite naturally thanks to centuries of male supremacy breeding) with a masculine personality and led him to the conclusion that... I was too masculine for a girl. As a heterosexual male, this was somehow a threat to his masculinity.

"You are an embarrassment."
"Be more feminine."
"What are you? A guy stuck in a girl's body?"
"Behave like a young lady."
"Dress like a girl."

I grew up being gender policed, just like everyone else around me.

My hair cut short, my (at the time) skinny build, involvement in athletics and specifically martial arts, this all served to make boys awkward around me.

Fast forward five years later.

I filled out generously. More than I could ever expect. It turned out that I was a late bloomer. However, the physical changes did nothing to assuage my anger at the guys my age who'd called me names and made fun of me. It certainly didn't help that these guys almost made a massive turnabout in the way they'd treated me (actually expecting me to be grateful that I sprouted breasts and my face rounded out from sharp angles, that my hair grew past mid-back, that I'd grown into the perception of femininity).

Never mind that I looked feminine. I didn't act feminine. In the eyes of many people, that made me less. Less than female. Less than perfect.

Gender is a social construct. Not a biological one.

Just like how only skinny is beautiful (not that it isn't, but so are all other body types!), just like how men shouldn't cry, just like how rape culture is alive and thriving, just like how depression is seen as a fault in character instead of chemistry.

Just. Like. That.

How Not To Study Gender In The Middle East
This is a good article for anyone interested in gender!